Soul, Train rewrite

August 28, 2002

I’m very sorry, but we here at white-owned Thudfactor just can’t get the Soul Train nonsense out of our head. As I’ve pointed out to many of my friends and those who write me correcting my grammar on my web site, I may have an English degree but that doesn’t mean I know grammar. Grammar is linguistics. I studied literary theory. Specifically, I studied post-structuralist and deconstructionist literary theory, both of which essentially say that it’s pointless to try to communicate anything anyway. So why bother with grammar?

But I digress. I was speaking of my obsession with commas and webmaster@soultrain.com’s shotgun approach to them. Regardless of my own skill with grammar, I thought I might polish up Soul Train’s comma usage. And while I was there, I thought I might also clarify Soul Train’s position.

Here’s my corrected version of the original text. Perhaps they will find this and, I don’t know, maybe offer me a part-time job as a copy editor.

Petition Online, BET Complicit in White Plot to Exacerbate Intra-Racial Violence Among Black People

Soul Train is disappointed that Petition Online is providing organizing resources to an individual who is unhappy with our 8th Annual Soul Train Lady of Soul Awards. We feel Ashanti, a talented and uncommonly beautiful performer on the Murder, Inc./Def Jam label, is uniquely qualified for the Aretha Franklin “Entertainer of the Year” Award. Although we are in full support of the theory of free speech, in this case we feel the petitioner and signatories are using the resources Petition Online has provided for trivial purposes. Furthermore, we are extremely disappointed in BET’s decision to publicize the petition and direct traffic to it; in doing so we feel they are implicitly putting their “stamp of approval” on the petition, thereby encouraging the criticism of a black show by black people. As you well know, all black people must be consistent in who they honor as artists and to what extent they feel it necessary to honor them. Since we at Soul Train are the Final Arbiters of Genuine Black Culture, deviation from the standards of taste decided by Soul Train can only be interpreted as racial self-hatred. We would also like to point out that BET is owned by white-owned Viacom and they should no longer have any impact on the naturally culturally homogenous black community.

White-owned BET is of course aware that the Aretha Franklin “Entertainer of the Year” award actually has nothing to do with Aretha Franklin per se. We acknowledge that Ashanti does not look or sound like Aretha. Nor does she have the hits or reputation of Aretha. Recipients of the award only have to have had a particularly impressive influence on black soul music in the previous twelve (12) (XII) month period. We just use the name “Aretha Franklin” to make the award sound better. Furthermore, white-owned BET has promoted Ashanti herself rather vociferously, so it’s surprising that they would encourage people to voice criticism against Soul Train, a.k.a. the Final Arbiters of Genuine Black Culture. As far as we’re concerned, white-owned BET should not promote Ashanti themselves and then encourage disagreement with our choice for Entertainer of the Year just because she happens to displease their white masters. Finally, under no circumstances should they promote or direct traffic to a petition which criticizes our choice of Entertainer of the Year, because (as we noted previously) disagreement with Soul Train is the same as racial self-loathing (if black people criticize us) or racism (if white people criticize us). If your founder, Robert L. Johnson, were still involved with BET instead of off someplace trying to start a black airline, he would never have countenanced dissent with Soul Train. That’s because he’s black, unlike the honkys who own you now. We only say this because we love you, BET, even if you are a bunch of Uncle Toms.

However, we see we have gone on too long railing against your race-baiting to actually defend our choice of Ashanti. But it makes little difference; we believe Ashanti’s five other nominations for awards should be enough. Nevermind that they are our awards. We are the Final Arbiters of Genuine Black Culture, and what we say goes. Because, you see, we are not owned by white people.

As far as the actual petitioner and his signatories is concerned, they are obviously far too wrapped up in our trivial and pointless awards ceremony. It’s our fault; the massive marketing campaign we launched has obviously twisted his little racist mind into thinking that the award ceremony is something important (although we should reiterate that disagreeing with our choice is enough to revoke your membership in the black community). Furthermore, he knows absolutely nothing about the time honored awards selection process which traditionally involves the bribing of judges. We must insist that you cease your racist activity against Soul Train, the Final Arbiters of Genuine Black Culture, and open your own web site. May we suggest “www.We-Anti-Soul-Train-Awards-People-Are-Fuckwits.com”? We think it has a nice ring to it. Thank you.

Now, doesn’t that look better without all the commas?

Posted in Art and Writing, Music