Trust Gorton’s!

February 28, 2007

Fish sticks have recently been added to our diet, if you can call it that. Fish sticks are relatively innoffensive, although I can’t say I’ve eaten them regularly since I was, oh, ten. They’re fine as long as you don’t think too hard about what that “minced fish” might be. It’s something of a leap of faith.

p(imgcenter). !http://www.thudfactor.com/images/blog/gortons_logo.jpg! You WILL trust Gorton’s … _truuuuuust Goooooorton’s_ …

There’s a whole freezer-case full of Gorton’s which is not Mrs. Paul’s. “If it’s not Mrs. Paul’s –” I can still hear the commercial announcer today — “throw it back!” Catchy, memorable slogan. Didn’t work. Clearly Mrs. Paul was afraid we’d try the competition and maybe like it, and I’m no dope. So Gorton’s it is.

The box did not say on the cover “Free Rubiks* Cube Offer!” so I was a little surprised to see that offer enclosed. To get this Rubiks* Cube I have to cut out UPC symbols from four boxes and mail them that and the receipt. By that time, of course, I’ll have _four_ forms, which means I’ll need to buy sixteen more boxes to use those, which means sixteen more forms, which means…

p(imgcenter). !http://www.thudfactor.com/images/blog/gortons_cube.jpg!

But even the tempting offer of a passel of Rubiks* Cubes sporting the friendly Gorton’s fisherdude (his disciples call him the “Fisher of minced fish”) can’t quite offset the horror of exponentially multiplying fish sticks. I notice it’s “while supplies last.” No mention what will happen if you send in your carefully snipped barcodes and grocery ticker-tape, only to discover they’ve run out of the 80s second-greatest brain-teaser[1]. I guess we just have to Trust Gorton’s.

fn1(sidenote). The greatest brain teaser of the 80s: was Vanna White mute? Or just dumb?

I’m not sure I’m in a trusting mood after seeing the serving suggestion on the side of the box — a grilled cheese-and-fishstick sandwich, which they suggest as an “after-school snack.” Is that “Cockney rhyming slang”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhyming_slang for “ipecac?”

Perhaps. But it sounds positively scrumptious next to the Mr. Creosote special, “fish on a log”:

p(imgcenter). !http://www.thudfactor.com/images/blog/fish_log.jpg! You know what would make it better? If this were all stuffed in a Hot Pocket(®).

Just in case you can’t read that for some reason, here’s the “recipe:”

bq. *Ingredients:*
24 Gorton’s Crunchy Golden Fish Sticks
1 can of process cheese spread
1 package pizza [ _pizza!_ -- J] or original flavored fish shaped crackers

bq. *Directions:* Cook Gorton’s Fish Sticks per instructions on package. Invert cheese can and squirt a line of cheese down each Gorton’s Fish Stick. Place 4 fish shaped crackers on top of cheese and serve immediately.

“Invert can.” What a great idea! I wondered why that cheeseCrud® always ended up on the ceiling.

So how do they taste? Dip them in tartar sauce, and they taste like tartar sauce with crunchy bits mixed in. Yum!

Posted in Commerce, Diary