Guidelines only.

July 27, 2002

OK, here’s a great idea gone horribly wrong.

As I mentioned previously (sorry, vegetarians), I’m trying out a low-carb diet. This means, as a general rule, that I’m always on the lookout for some meat meal that’s not pepperoni or hamburgers or a slab of steak which takes too long to cook anyway given the three hours a day I commute.

I thought I found something very cool: small sirloin steaks wrapped in bacon, then frozen. Hey! these things are small easily storeable. And, according to the directions, they cook fast. Yes, I know they’re Safeway brand (that’d be the generic brand for you people who don’t know Safeway grocery stores). But how bad can it be?

OK, first off the directions say “pre-heat a well-oiled skillet on high heat.” Thank you. Now my kitchen — oh, make that all 900 square feet of apartment — is full of smoke. Great.

“Pan fry for three to five minutes on each side.” Great. Steak hits high-temperature skillet and the result: instantly three millimeters of charcoal. And another ton of smoke. I mean, at this point I’m breathing in more airborn carbon than I am oxygen.

The offending (offensive?) product. Click for larger image.

At the end of ten minutes, what’s the result? A steak that’s cooked about half a centimeter on each side and an inch and a half of raw bloody meat, still frozen, in the middle.

This is enough to put one on an endive-only diet.

OK, so looking at the package I see step 0. It’s really a step, but it’s not listed with the rest of the steps. It’s listed above the directions, where most boxes usually say something like “follow all cooking instructions carefully for best results.” It says “Thaw meat in the refrigerator overnight.” Sure wish that had been step one.

Two days and some thawed steaks later, we repeat the experiment. The result?
A steak that’s cooked about half a centimeter on each side and an inch and a half of raw bloody meat, slightly warm, in the middle.

Who tests these cooking directions? That’s $20 I won’t see again.

Would it surprise you if I told you the box doesn’t have the ubiquitous “comments and suggestions” phone number?

Posted in Archived Unsorted