A long way to go
April 24, 2004
I always thought adoption was preferable to abortion. And until about fifteen minutes ago, I thought it was socially acceptable, too. But then I read about Maria’s adopting experience.
When the phone was off and tucked back away, the nurse came in with bracelets. She asked J who should have the second one. J, still drug fogged, looked at her like she was an idiot and pointed toward me. Nurse B (who had given me a hard time in the hallway saying that I shouldn’t bug a new mother and how could I be sure that she really wanted me here) gave me a dirty look and asked J if she really wanted the adoptive mom to have the other bracelet because that would give me access to the baby in the nursery. J got really ticked and said, “Well, that’s the point.”
There’s more—far too much more—in the full post.
If J. had known she would face this, would she have made the same decision? How many women have chosen abortion because they knew they’d be more open to condemnation for choosing to surrender a child to other parents than they would for having an early-term abortion in relative secret?
I desperately hope these stories are the extreme exception to the rule.
Nurse M told us that at least one nurse and one cleaning lady had tried to talk J out of the adoption. She also said that J didn’t listen to people telling her that no one who loved their baby would consider adoption. I was horrified that anyone would say something like that to J. The hospital had a social worker on staff who came and spoke to J and cleared everything, but yet these two women felt they had the right to question J’s decision and even berate her for it!
Anyone who respects the life of a child—pro-choice or anti-choice—has got to be infuriated by stories like these. If even women who choose adoption because they cannot support a child face condemnation (by health care workers in this case!) because they decide to give up their children, it’s no wonder that abortion seems like the easy way out.
I find this absolutely mind-blowing. And I consider it more evidence that—with very few exceptions—the anti-choice movement is less concerned with the well-being of children than forcing a narrow, puritanical, anti-sex morality on the rest of society.
The anti-choicers will tell you it’s not about that, it’s about the life of the child. But if you suggest that we offer more support to single mothers, more often than not they respond with panicked clutching of pocketbooks and idignant insistance that people be responsible for their own bad decisions.
If anti-choice were really pro-life, they would be working to make available economic assistance and emotional support instead of threats and condemnation. That is entirely unacceptable.
If we want to save the lives of children, we can do better.
( For information on what our society does that makes abortion seem a relatively attactive option for dealing with an unborn pregnancy, and what we can do about that, see my essay 5 Ways We can Help the Unborn. For an extended discussion about why anti-choice is not the same as pro-life, see my followup 5 Ways Redux. )
Posted in What The...?!?
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April 24th, 2004 at 3:19 pm
I should clarify somethings. First, the hospital J went to is known in local adoption circles for being downright awful. They are the exception rather than the rule. For our second adoption the hospital experience was absolutely wonderful. Michael, H, and I were all treated with respect and consideration. The main difference: J’s insurance came through the WIC program and H was on her mother’s insurance. That makes me sick to think of.
Second, J did not believe in abortion and she had very strong views on people not becoming parents until they were emotionally and financially able. She found WIC and several other programs and told us that she could have found a way, financially, to raise Jackson. She wanted us to know that she chose adoption because she felt it was best for Jackson… not because she literally had no other choice. I still feel like she had no choice in some ways, but she was at least smart enough to check all her options before interviewing adoptive parents.
April 24th, 2004 at 7:51 pm
Wow–absolutely, utterly unbelivable! Aside from the adoption/abortion issues, I am just floored that any health care professional would presume to question a patient’s choices or preferences. Now if J. had been clearly upset or appeared uncomfortable with the choice of adoption, then that might be a cue to bring in the social worker to address any issues. But J. had already been cleared by the social worker! And she was very clear in how she wanted things to be. I just can’t imagine such judgemental attitudes from health care workers. I mean, I worked for a hospital system, and it just seems like these nurses could have been opening them up to a lawsuit (harassment, anyone?) or something.
April 25th, 2004 at 8:56 am
Chrissy,
Nearly all hospitals require that a social worker visit any mother planning to place her child for adoption (through either agency or private adoption). I definitely agree with that policy. It protects everyone: the birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the child.
I know another couple who adopted a child born at that same hospital a year after we did. Apparently nothing has changed. Talking with a friend who is an adoption attorney, the case for a lawsuit brought by adoptive parents if a nurse disrupts an adoption is pretty shaky. However, I wonder if a birth mother could sue for discrimination. For all I know, this hosptial may treat every new mother like scum… but it sure seemed like they went out of their way to make J miserable.
April 25th, 2004 at 5:20 pm
It seems to me, given my experiences with my son’s birth, that a lot of nurses in birthing centers and the maternity wards of hospitals seem to think that they have some sort of right to impose their judgements on new mothers. Maybe they think they’re trying to guide them or something. I don’t know.
I just remember — and will remember to my dying day — the way that I was treated by a nurse when she saw the NOCIRC sticker on my son’s bassinet. I was livid.
May 3rd, 2004 at 1:31 pm
This reminds me of a story I read in Frank Zappa’s autobiography: they went to the hospital and the nurse wouldn’t let Mrs. Zappa in the delivery room. Apparently she wanted to name the child Dweezil and the nurse didn’t think that was an appropriate name for the child, and she delayed bringing the woman into the delivery room until she agreed to a more regular name.
Dweezil had to legally change his name to Dweezil once he was old enough to do it.
Why do people feel they have the right to do things like this?