Final Fantasy Indeed

October 30, 2003

Well, after the Star Wars annoyance — it’s not a finished game, things are kinda wonky, yadda yadda — I ordered Final Fantasy XI, which was released stateside on Tuesday. The game arrived in my hot little hands about 4:30 pm.

I’d love to give you my first impressions of the game, *but I’m still installing*. I’m posting this around 11:00 pm. So I haven’t seen frame one of the opening sequence yet.

I don’t know about you, but when I get a new game I’d kind of like to play it the same day I start installing. I had to take a break for dinner in the middle, but even if you shave that hour off the install time, we’re talking “Operating System” scale here.

That’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is the odious account management system. They’ve created a mini-AOL called “PlayOnline” that you use to launch all the PlayOnline games. Which at the moment includes Final Fantasy XI and “Tetra Master,” a virtual collectable card game. PlayOnline itself took me almost an hour to install. I open the dang thing up — which, mind, is supposed to be the launcher for the game — and I have to put in a serial number. And then I have to put in my address and credit card information so they can bill me for membership. And then I have to write everything down.

And it is at this point that I learn how evil these people are. I can cancel my account whenever I like. I then have three months in which I can reactivate my account. After those three months the serial number expires.

That’s right. If I want to play again, I have to BUY ANOTHER COPY. Not just start up monthly charges again. Not even pay a bogus “reconnect” fee. BUY ANOTHER COPY.

I guess they are banking on people being intimidated into not quiting. Otherwise why would they forgo the prospect of future re-subscribers four, five, six, twelve months hence?

I get the sense LucasArts will be glad to have me back in a year or so. At least, I don’t THINK that account expires the same way. I might have to start a new character, but I can live with that. BUYING ANOTHER COPY blows donkeys.

OK. So anyway, I might as well play along for now, otherwise I’ve just set fire to $50.00. So I decide to play.

This really sticks in my craw. You want to play Minesweeper? You clicky the Minesweeper Icon. To play FFXI:

# Fire up Play Online. Wait for fancy animations to quit buzzing.
# Log into Play Online
# Avoid the Email and Chat interfaces that are useless and click “Games.”
# Click _Final Fantasy XI_.
# Click the “play” button.

_[ Honestly, I don't know what else I expected from a franchise that still insists on making the right to save the game something you have to earn.]_

So. I get all THAT done, and what happens? When I hit the “play” button I have to click through a preachy screen telling me there are things in life besides games, and I should not neglect my family, friends, school, and/or work for this game. Which doesn’t fill me with a sense of noble responsibility so much as it does the urge to stuff the Microsoft Paperclip up the publisher’s collective … ahem.

THEN I get to play. After hours of downloading, filling out many forms, being notified that if I dare quit I’ll have to BUY ANOTHER COPY, and finally being lectured to as though I were a child and not someone who actually earned the dough being spent on the game, I get to play. After I’ve ground my teeth down to the pulp (which will cost me thousands of dollars in reconstructive dental surgery) waiting for this damn game to crap FIVE GIGS onto my harddrive, I get to play the game.

O no. What’s this? I have to download an update?

Keep in mind the game shipped Tuesday. Meaning the US version of the game is two days old. So you’d expect a little patch, perhaps, right? WRONG.

FFXI scanned over 7500 files for updates, and of those 7500 found 1300 it had to download new copies of.

At this point I got up and told this whole story to my trying-to-sleep wife, who incidentally thinks I’m a loon for even trying another MMORPG. Then I came in here and started blogging. Folks, I’ve been typing for forty minutes. The game is just now wrapping up the update.

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick.

This is not exactly the new user experience I had hoped for. The thing I can’t figure is where Square [The FFXI publishers, for you non-geeks] got the folks ignorant enough to think this whole mini-AOL, expiring-serial-number, intimidate-our-customers, ten-clicks-to-launch a game madness was _really the way to go_. It boggles the mind that people signed off on this nonsense.

And THIS, you realize, has not even been a review of the game. Just the installation.

If you’re going to get the game, take my advice and take the day off. And probably the next day to recover.

Oh, lookee here. It’s said Time Remaining: 00 for five minutes now. I wonder how much longer it’s going to take to install these new files it just downloaded…

Update: Comments on this entry have been closed; I do not have serial numbers you can use, and I do not know how to make serial numbers that do not work anymore work again. Call and speak to customer service. If you do not have a legal copy of the game, tough. Beggars can’t be choosers.

Posted in What The...?!?