Crap I don’t need: Pulsar Toothbrush

!(headimg)http://www.thudfactor.com/pimages/pulsar.jpg (Close-up of the Oral-B Pulsar toothbrush)!

Above is the new Oral-B _Pulsar_ toothbrush, which I think represents a new marketing strategy for toothbrushes. It is called the “what the hell is that?” strategy. It works like this: you come up with an overpowered environment-destroying version of a perfectly simple implement and someday, somewhere, I will buy one.

The pulsar is a disposable -vibra…-, er, -massag…-, uh, electric toothbrush. Before the _Pulsar_, you were limited to full-size electric toothbrushes with rechargeable bases and replaceable heads. Eventually the heads wore out. Kind of an occupational hazard of being a toothbrush. You got the thrill of throwing a tiny piece of plastic after a month which would then sit in a landfill for sixty googooplexillion years. Now, with the _Pulsar_, you get to throw away a larger piece of plastic _and_ a non-replaceable battery. Also, you cannot get away with using the same toothbrush for six years, as the battery will eventually run out. Yes, you can use the toothbrush’s manual-mode emulator, but who wants a broken gadget laying about?

The vibration is intense and sounds like a couple-dozen angry bumblebees. The teeth — being more or less attached to your skull depending on how often you brush — distribute that vibration and sound nicely to the rest of your head. There are no medical warnings on the package, but I suspect it is not pleasant to use during a hangover. (Tip: If you have a cold, put down a drop-cloth.) As in using all other power tools, you should keep your attention on the vibrating device in your mouth at all times; tapping a tooth with the side of a standard (aka “primitive” toothbrush) posed no risks, but jack-hammering a back molar is certainly an experience to be missed.

As mentioned previously, the _Pulsar_ has a manual toothbrush emulation mode. I was surprised to discover this is the default behavior of the toothbrush — you actually have to switch _on_ the powered mode. This is at least as effective as the primitive toothbrushes, but somewhat more tiring as the _Pulsar_ weighs about as much as the nation of Namibia[1].

Does it clean any better? Not sure. Actually, I suspect it cleans a little worse; it’s hard to get up the nerve to do some vigorous brushing when your implement is trying to leap out of your hand to dance across the floor behind the toilet. (Tip: if yours does this, sterilize before placing back in your mouth.) I tend to leave it in one place, as the vibrations of the toothbrush jar loose the synapses that say “*get that damn thing out of your mouth right now, you moron*” and incorporate them into the toothpaste lather. (Tip: do not attempt to place toothpaste on the brush while running.) On the plus side, once you’ve spit out all your common sense you will then be able to watch Fox News without experiencing dry heaves. (Tip: do not watch Fox News.)

Should you buy one? Honestly, I can’t tell you. I am brushing my teeth with it right now (well, holding it in my mouth) and am mostly focused on keeping my eyeballs from falling out. But there’s a “nifty Flash Site”:http://www.oralb.com/us/products/manual/pulsar/ (with a scary demonstration of the MicroPulse(tm) bristles) which is full of scientifically relevant and accurate information which will help you make your decision as an informed consumer. But now I have to rinse, spit, and go watch the O’Reilly Factor.

fn1. Not really. I’d guess it weighs two to three times as much as a standard toothbrush; my digital scale is dead, so I can’t tell.