Pop Quiz

Do you have any idea how annoying it is to be pregnant? There’s the dietary recommendations, the clothing situation, the increasing immobility.

But the absolute worst is being treated like a child. Sometimes we feel like elementary school kids facing a never-ending stream of pop-quizes. “Do you have a crib yet?” It’s on order. “Do you have a car seat yet?” It’s on order. “Do you have a high chair yet?” We don’t even have a dining room table, where are we going to use a high chair? “You need to get all this stuff soon, the baby could be early.” Yes.

You think we don’t know that?

Once in Arlington, at about six months of pregnancy, a midwife was very concerned that we had not child-proofed the apartment yet. What’s that you say? Babies can get around earlier than we think? Not when they’re still in the goddamn womb.

Everyone wants to know if the Elf is eating right. Of course she’s not. How could she? Everyone has different diet recommendations. And they don’t ask “are you eating OK?” They ask: “Are you getting enough berries? How about protein? Fish oil? Yes, but are they dark fruit? You know, you should really eat more [x], people don’t have enough [x].”

Do we have a mattress? Why not? Diaper services? Cloth or plastic? I wonder how people would react if we told them how we planned to do toilet training.

Speaking of which, Elf says she is constantly running into websites, books, and people literally telling her how to wipe her ass. You know, that knowledge is generally imparted a little before someone reaches the age of thirty-two.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s fine to discuss these things. We’ve learned plenty from people offering advice and sharing experience. I also understand and appreciate that people — even people not really involved, even near strangers — want to participate because it reminds them of when they were pregnant. But when it comes like an interrogation and when we not only have to defend our decisions but the decisions of our professional medical support from anyone who thinks having once been in the same room with a pregnant person or reading an article in the USA Today is equivalent to dual degrees in Obstetrics and Nutrition, well, we’re starting to get just a little goddamn frazzled.

Now. Please tell me to relax and enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy.

I double-dog dare you.